Saturday, June 9, 2007

Buy for your Country!

Today, this American woke up with the world’s worst headache. It was all I could do to crawl out of my Sleep Number Bed and have A Totally Organic Experience in the shower. While getting myself Fully Clean it was becoming painfully clear that I should not have been Thinking Outside The Bun at half-past Miller Time last night. Man, did I need to Spell Relief. But it wasn’t my fault, really. My toddler wouldn’t sleep without her Tivo-ed Bratz cartoon playing repeatedly and those damn Lunesta butterflies didn’t land on my Tempur-Pedic pillow again. Maybe the Xanax interfered with them or something.

Bob Greene says never skip a healthy breakfast so this morning we all Got Milk with some Cherrios (made with whole grain). While we were eating my thirteen-year-old announced he had been feeling The Best A Man Can Get and needed to know more about The 36-Hour Pill. “I had no idea my high blood-pressure and diabetes could lead to E.D.”, he whined. My suspicion is that he might be dabbling on The Coke Side of Life but nevertheless I told him we would start watching Dr. Phil together every afternoon on CBS and that we could look into getting him some Ritalin and maybe some Yazz for his girlfriend. The last thing I want to deal with is a Clear, Blue, Easy (especially with his girlfriend’s Nicole Richie problem). As for the Coke thing I heard Merck was running some free trials to help with that.

I didn't have time to Stop. Think., but about thirty minutes past Starbucks I was All Advil enough to Zoom, Zoom, Zoom the way to my job at Kaiser Permanente. I know it’s a tough place to work after all the rumors of homeless patient dumping (by mentioning this I am neither negating nor affirming these allegations) but I just Thrive there. You can imagine my disgust when I realized I had forgotten this month’s course of Botox and had left my Spanx by the Ionic Breeze. My Unsightly Belly Fat was literally hanging out all over the office! I wish I could afford to be like my female co-workers. Nothing Comes Between Them And Their Calvin Kleins and they are all so Easy, Breezy, Beautiful. Seriously, I could kill to look like them.

On the drive home I wondered what to get for dinner. I thought about Going Outback or Gathering Around the Good Stuff but for some reason I just couldn’t get Sweet Home Alabama out of my head so I decided to Bring Back Dinner. Whatever KFC stands for it doesn’t matter because my kids won’t eat anything but Extra Crispy drowned in Honey-BBQ Sauce. I got them a side of coleslaw too, because Dr. Oz can’t stop raving about the benefits of good fats. For dessert we all had Moolattes from DQ Country. If we can just remember our calcium we might be as gorgeous as Sally Field is at 60 when we’re taking our Once-Monthly Boniva (unless we have an acute liver problem).

Family Nintendo time is usually uneventful but something my oldest daughter said to me on this evening of International Friendship Day® has left me wanting more attention paid to National Security. After the kids were done playing their Kuma War – The War on Terror video game she looked at me with those Anna-Nicole eyes and said she was worried about the Fight for Peace in Iraq. I’ll never forget the tears on her Maybelline cheeks as she asked if Iraqi kids would ever get to trample each other for a PlayStation 3 or vote for Sanjaya on American Idol. After going through a box of Kleenex with Aloe I told her that if we just Stay The Course we will Win The War Against Terror and prevail against those Freedom Hating Islamic Facists. Later that evening as I washed down a double-dose of Ambien with a Coke And A Smile, I sincerely hoped I was able to reach my daughter’s Heart And Mind. How glad I am to live in a country where we’re free to believe whatever we want, I thought, as I fell into a deep, deep sleep.

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